Father's Day - A Testimonial

Father's Day always is interesting for me...

Having grown up without a father, father's day used to remind me of one thing: I don't know who my father is. This was quite tough for me whenever I saw my friends doing stuff with their dads or when I saw stuff on TV about how dads wanting to spend more time with their kids. I never had that and I kinda resented God and my family for putting me in that situation. I remember randomly throwing tantrums and crying/screaming for no reason and, when my family would ask me about it, I would sulk about how I didn't have a dad. I only have memories of pictures. What killed me is that, as I grew up, all my family kept reminding me about how much I look like my dad. How disappointing is it when you ask your family for a picture and all they say is, "Look at the mirror."

I had pretty low self-esteem because of this. Not having a dad made me feel unwanted. I always thought that my parents didn't want me (I had wondered why I grew up with my grandparents and not my actual parents). I went so far as to despise my Filipino ethnicity (My dad is Filipino. As a matter of fact, if my parents didn't get divorced, my last name would be Galang). I distanced myself from Filipino folks and always referred to myself as Chinese.

I'm thankful that God started a healing work in college. The motivation I had to do well at school was to prove to people that I am just as good as you even though I am fatherless. I'd be like, "Even though I didn't have a dad, I can still be successful." This was my "purpose" in life. Suffice it to say, after a year in college, I was stuck in a huge rut. I got amazing grades but I was so unsatisfied. Is this what my life is all about? Proving to people that I can get by on my own?

This is where God entered the picture. He showed me, through some amazing friends who supported me, that, because I didn't get those encouraging, esteem building words from a father, I was out to seek the approval of people. I was bound by what people thought of me. Without going into details, God showed me that, while it sucks to grow up fatherless, He was the One that ultimately encourages me and says, "Well done." I still am vulnerable to what people think of me but I know that I am a much more confident person now.

Which brings us to the point of this "Note." In a few short days, my son will be introduced to the world. The healing work that God has started in my life is not yet finished. Without putting extraneous pressure upon my son, I believe that God will continue to heal me through my relationship with him. Through it, I can give him the things that I never received from am earthly father ("bio father" per Ted). I can't wait to play catch with him, teach me how to box out and to man the grill with him. I shared with some friends today that any scene in a movie that shows some restoration of a father-son relationship always makes me cry. It's because I yearn for that and I want my son to experience those things. I will live vicariously through my son in these times. It's kinda weird to think about. I will experience what I've never experienced through the experiences that I engage my son in (weird...). In fact, I'm kinda tearing up as I write this. I can't wait for you to be born, son. I love you so much...

Thanks for your time and have a Happy Father's Day all you dads!

-daddy lim